How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
