Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
