1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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