Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
