Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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