You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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