Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
