You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
