Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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