The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just had sex on a roof
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
