I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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