Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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