Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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