Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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