You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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