i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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