First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
