I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
