when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
