he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
time to smoke my breakfast
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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