I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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