It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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