I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
