Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
