Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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