the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
