doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
