in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
