He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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