My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
