I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
