I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
