Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
