how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
