im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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