can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
