Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
