yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
