**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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