she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
