got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Congratulations! We have a period
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