i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
