I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
