mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
