I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I AM VODKA MAN
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
