At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
