my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
