I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
