"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
