just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
