woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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