im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
