tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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